Please don't ask me when I am going to have children. It breaks my heart. I try and try and try but I have PCOS. It doesn't come naturally to my body, apparently. One of the girls I work with who is one of my best friends said to me the other day," I never met anyone like you before. I always knew that some people had a problem getting pregnant but I never knew what it was like until I met you." Yes, it is awful. There is no easy or nice way to say it. It is awful. If you don't know someone's personal business, please please please don't ever ask someone when are you going to have kids? The last time I heard that question I burst into tears. I try every day of every month. I have tried for years. I desperately want to have children. I think about it every day. I cry every month when it doesn't happen. I try every cliche idea that someone has. I try vitamins. I count days. I have a calender marked with circles and dots and highlights. I have tried infertility drugs. I have tried not trying. Anyone else remember that episode of Roseanne where she was laying on the bed with her feet in the air? Yep, tried that too. Not every one works the same way. My body just doesn't find having children a natural thing I guess. The worst thing some one can say to me is "Your getting older now. You should start thinking about having children." I just want to scream at the top of my lungs,"don't you think I have been trying for years!!" I just nod my head politely and say I will see what I can do.
The other awful thing someone can say to me is "You're so lucky you don't have children." This is usually uttered by a parent of two, three, or even four children. Usually who just got pregnant. They didn't have to work at it. They didn't have to try. A very dear friend of mine who is a single father of three beautiful boys once looked at me and said," I am so jealous of you. You don't have any kids. You don't have any worries." All I could say to him in the sweetest voice possible and trying to hold back the tears was," I am so jealous of you. You have wonderful children." Yes, I understand that having children is a job but unless you know someone is childless through choice please don't say that.
This is really more of my ranting and venting my frustrations but I know that many of you will understand and identify with me. Please know you are not alone. When someone says something insensitive like either of these two options you have two choices. One- really lay into them. Let them have it. Give them a piece of your mind. Two- Just leave the room when the tears start to form and you can't hide how choked up you are getting. I choose option two because I am very non confrontational. I wish I could be more like the first choice but it is not who I am. Why can't everyone just be a little more sensitive to what others may be going through. Just because you have a random thought in your head does not mean it needs to come out of your mouth.
I've known about my PCOS for over a year now and I can so relate to this entry. I have heard all of the above from other people and at first my response was to not say anything. If anyone knows the other pains of PCOS they will tell you that your risk of miscarriage is higher and I have had 2 miscarriages. I find that my babies aren't acknowledged so my response has transformed the quiet,broken woman to a very vocal "let them have it" type of woman. I let them know what I lost due to PCOS.
ReplyDeleteI wish people were more sensitive it is like there is no filter for what comes out of their mouths. I was told not too long ago by my sister (a mother of 5 kids--no problem getting pregnant whatsoever who knows that I have PCOS) that "Everyone is getting pregnant but you!". If I had been in another state of mind, she would have gotten cursed out, but sometimes the things that people say to me put me in a state of shock to which there is no immediate response. I'm 28 years old, and I am told by older friends, "You're still young you have time." Of course these people do not have PCOS and they have children. And that is true, I am still young but that fact doesn't erase the memory of the 2 babies that I lost, or the fact that I will be carrying this joker around with me for all of my childbearing years.
I completely understand your frustrations. I have certain things I always say to the normal things I hear. Such as when some one says if its meant to be its meant to be I always tell them flat out that I don't believe that. I also get told if you stop trying so hard it will just happen. I tell people if I stop trying I wont even ovulate. I generally don't get rude when I say these things but it is in a tone that they realize I don't want to carry on with the conversation.
ReplyDeleteIt really bothers me that people feel as though they have the right to talk to me about such a personal decision and experience. I want children so bad and I actually miscarried last weekend. I guess I just want some privacy when it comes to my ovaries and uterus.